Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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