when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
We are all done wearing pants today
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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