I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
