i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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