I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
