On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Randomize
