i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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