Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I supernannyed him into submission
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
