i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
