8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
