They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
