apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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