Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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