WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
i now understand why vodka
Randomize
