When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
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