I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
