I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
