Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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