i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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