Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I lost the right to judge tonight
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
