She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
