So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
