i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
