I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
