I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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