you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
