Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
