i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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