Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Why are your pants in the freezer?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
