Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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