I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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