i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
