I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize