u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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