WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I cut my penus on the lid.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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