I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize