I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
