Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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