i just made my gag reflex go away.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
