...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm jealous of your bromance
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
