im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Randomize
