I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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