I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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