you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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