I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
