Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
