My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
