My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
