drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
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