Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
