I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
