Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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