I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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