I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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