You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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