My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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