now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
