Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
