They should really pass out barf bags in church
false alarm. still invincible.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
