Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Randomize
